I drove into my studio today thinking I would definitely have students for my Saturday class. I thought for sure that my client from last week would be waiting for me in the parking lot. We had a great session together and she seemed really happy. However, as I pulled into the lot I had a feeling that I would be all alone today. When you show up and there is nobody there waiting to take your class, well it definitely tears at your soul a little.
What inevitably happens is that I immediately begin to question my abilities, my worth, and my being in general. I start to immediately think that, “I must have done something wrong for them not to come back.” “I must have scared them away.” ” I am never going to make this work.” “What was I thinking, this is crazy.” “I just want to run for the hills.”
So I have all these feelings and the fluttering in your heart when you are sad and want to cry. I take a moment and decide that I need to leave the building and get in my car. I get in my car and do what I always do, I crank up the tunes and sing. Not long after I commenced with my own private AMERICAN IDOL routine do I realize that my useless conversation from the moments before had left me. Of course I still felt disappointed and not as peppy as I was in the wee hours of the morning, but I wasn’t completely defeated.
Instead I decided to run around town and give out my business cards to everybody I met and knew. I decided to create a special for the first six months of business as an incentive for new clients. I felt better being pro-active and being full of self-pity.
I have experienced many emotions over the last few weeks since my studio opened. Mostly they are related to being scared and doubtful of myself. When situations like this arise in my life I feel sometimes like it is a self fulling prophecy.
I made a promise to myself this morning that I was going to do everything in my power to fight that “old version” of me, to fight the “version of me that lives in fear.” I am not there yet 100% but I am working on it. It is so hard when you are in a vulnerable state to stand up to that nasty little voice inside you that wants you to be small and fearful of the life.
Days like today really force me to examine where I am on my journey of self discovery.
So there it is folks, I said it. I am scared, self-conscious, heartbroken at times, and fighting a battle with myself, to stand tall in spite of the winds that want to knock me over.
That is the nitty-gritty truth.